Imperfections of the Human State

A blog about living with ALS - and more

My ALS Origin Story

One of the things I noticed while consulting other blogs about living with ALS, is that other bloggers include information about their diagnosis process. Thus inspired, here is my ALS origin story:

One morning during the third week of June, 2017, I was standing in my kitchen. I took a pen from the cup next to the phone. As I prepared to write my to do list, I noticed that the pen felt odd in my fingers. I couldn’t get a proper grip on it. One thought flashed through my mind: “I hope I don’t have ALS or MS.”

Multiple Sclerosis is a disease many people know something about. I’ve known people with MS, and of course there’s my favorite president, Jed Bartlett of The West Wing, who had MS, so it’s easy to understand why I would think of MS.

ALS is more obscure. Three experiences put it on my radar. One was a person I knew in high school, who would shout, “Lou Gehrig’s Disease!” anytime someone dropped something. It was insensitive, to be sure, but I credit it with my early awareness of the disease and some of its symptoms. The second experience was during a car ride with some colleagues fifteen years ago. We were going to a funeral, and one of my colleagues shared that her sister had died from ALS. That was the closest I had been to ALS, and, for some reason, her comment stayed with me. The third experience was reading an article in my alumni magazine around twelve years ago about an alumna with ALS. I have never forgotten the woman’s story. All three experiences primed me to link my suddenly weak fingers with ALS.

The weakness in my fingers persisted over the next few weeks, and I started to notice weakness in my right hand. I dropped things with no warning: keys, cartons of milk, yogurt containers. The cordless drill I had used many times without trouble, was suddenly so heavy that I couldn’t hold it.

In early August I saw my primary care doctor for my annual physical. I asked her at what point I should be concerned about weaknesses in my right hand. I said, ” I want to make sure I don’t have ALS or MS.”

She manually tested the strength in my hands, arms, and legs, and she checked my reflexes. She saw that my right hand was quite weak, and my right arm was hyper-reflexive. She referred me to a neurologist. 

I can’t emphasize strongly enough how lucky I was that my doctor took me seriously and that she knew what to look for. I have heard nightmares from and about other pALS whose doctors dismissed their symptoms as nothing or as normal signs of aging, or who misdiagnosed them completely.

Before I saw the neurologist, I had an MRI of my brain, which ruled out MS. Then the neurologist sent me for an MRI of my neck. The hope was that a bulging disc was pinching the nerves that controlled my hand and arm. The MRI revealed a bulging disc, but not one that would affect those nerves.

The next step was an EMG, a test that involved inserting needles into my hand and arm muscles to check their health and the health of the nerves that control them. The EMG results showed that there was a problem, but could not identify the cause. The hope at that point was that there was something physically blocking the nerves, such as a tumor. Back for a third MRI, this time of my shoulder. You know things are bad when you’re hoping for a tumor.

No blockage.

By this time, early October, I had decided to change neurologists. The one I had been seeing didn’t specialize in ALS, and more importantly, he was a jerk. I had been doing some research on the newly FDA-approved ALS drug, Radicava, and through my research, I came upon a video about Dr. E, a neurologist in my area who had a multidisciplinary ALS clinic. Dr. E came across in the video as not only knowledgeable, but also as incredibly caring and respectful of his patients. I knew that if I had ALS, I wanted Dr. E to be my neurologist.

My dear friend, Ellen, came with me to my final appointment with the first neurologist. He told us that while he thought it was ALS, he wanted to send me to someone with more expertise. I asked, “Is it Dr. E?”

“Yes.”

“Great.”

Ellen and I couldn’t get out of that office fast enough. Always one to take action, Ellen tried calling Dr. E’s office immediately from the parking lot. When she couldn’t get through to the scheduler, Ellen insisted that we drive across town to Dr. E’s office to try in person. As soon as we were in the building lobby, Dr. E’s scheduler called. They had a cancelation and could get me in the following week.

Dr. E wanted to repeat the EMG himself, and, since the only way to diagnose ALS is to eliminate all other diseases that can mimic the symptoms, he ordered a host of blood tests. (My sister Sephrah would later joke that we should make “I wish it were syphilis” t-shirts. Syphilis is treatable.) As we neared the end of the appointment, I said to Dr. E, “I don’t want to hear, ‘two-and-half to five years.'”

“No one should ever tell you that,” he replied. “ALS affects everyone differently.”

Ellen was with me at that first appointment, and when Dr. E left the room, Ellen and I turned to each other and both said, “I love him!” Dr. E makes having ALS just a little bit better.

On October 25, 2017, Dr. E officially diagnosed me with ALS. To go from symptom onset to definitive diagnosis in four months is unusual in the ALS world. In that, I know I’m lucky, but I’m still waiting for my super power.

Doc

I just wrote a Dear John letter to my dentist. We had been together for 25 years, and I absolutely loved him. Sadly, as is common in many long term relationships, he can no longer meet my needs.

I am making light of it, but it really is a loss. Of all the losses that come with ALS, I never anticipated that one of them would be my relationship with Mark “Doc” Nordlie, dentist extraordinaire. As amazing as he is, I now need more specialized care. I have a wicked gag reflex, as well as shortness of breath and difficulty swallowing. I also need to be able to stay in my power wheelchair during the cleaning, both for stability, and also because my communication device is attached. I’m certain that the wheelchair would not fit in any of the stations.

I never discussed these developments with Doc, so, in truth he might feel that he and his team would be able to provide what I need. While I would love visiting with Doc and the staff post pandemic, I don’t want to go to the office as a patient who can’t move or speak. Seeing Doc for dental care is one of those experiences I would rather preserve as a memory of my able bodied self.

I feel that way about a lot of places that hold a strong attachment for me. Eastham, Massachusetts, on Cape Cod, is my favorite place in the whole world. I would rather enjoy my memories of staying at the cottage on the pond, swimming at First Encounter Beach, and eating lobster, than going now and staying someplace ADA compliant, watching other people swim, and eating through my feeding tube.

I know that it’s possible to enjoy a place just by being in it. I do feel that way about some places. But I am also learning that I can do a lot of living in my memory and imagination. That includes reliving wonderful memories of going to the dentist.

Dressy Jessie

Those of you who have heard it know that I loved to tell this story. I even pitched it to The Moth with the help of friends Sara and Joanna. (To hear my two minute pitch, play the audio clip below.) I wish I had recorded myself telling it before I lost my ability to speak. I thought I had more time.

I have always been a planner. My first grade teacher wrote on my report card, “Jess thinks a lot about being a grown up,” so this tendency goes back a long way. It should come as no surprise, therefore, that in June 2017, when my principal announced to the staff that we should all show up to the end-of-August retreat with three personal objects to share, that I would spend the entire summer planning what to bring.

There were plenty of things that I could bring: one of the many baskets I had woven; the yarmulke I had crocheted for my son Ethan’s bar mitzvah; the article I had published…. The problem was that Joshua, my teaching partner, already knew about these aspects of my life. I wanted to bring something that would be new for information everyone.

The night before the retreat, it hit me: I would bring Dressy Jessie!

Dressy Jessie is a paper doll of me that my friend Jay made when he was in art school. Dressy Jessie also came with a whole bunch of outfits. There’s Camping Jessie, Princess Jessie, Astronaut Jessie, Firefighter Jessie… And for each outfit, Jay had made a custom vellum envelope with a hand-lettered label. Not only that, but Jay had also made a box out of foamboard to house everything. It was about the size of a Monopoly box, and inside it had sections of varying sizes for the different sized envelopes, with one large section at the end, where Dressy Jessie rested on a pink satin pillow. The cover of the box was painted purple, with a painting of the doll in the middle, and “Dressy Jessie” across the top.

I didn’t know what Dressy Jessie said about me, but I was certain that I had never mentioned it to Joshua. I ran down to the TV room closet, which is where I had last stored it. I opened the closet and looked up, expecting to see the box on the shelf. I didn’t see it. I got the step stool, and still I didn’t see it. My heart skipped a beat, and I started tearing apart the closest.

Ethan (almost 14) and Max (9) heard the commotion and came running.

“What’s going on?

“I can’t find Dressy Jessie!” I wailed. “I need it for tomorrow!”

“Don’t worry, Mom. We’ll help you. What does it look like?”

Ethan must have sensed my panic. He was at an age where voluntarily helping me was rare. I quickly described the box and continued searching.

I searched the entire house, checking and rechecking every closet, the kitchen and bathroom cabinets, the garage. Eventually I sat at the table, defeated. With my head in my hands, I said to Max, “I wish I had Origami Yoda to tell me what to do!”

Origami Yoda is from a book series by Tom Angleberger. The series is about a group of middle school students one of whom comes to school one day with an origami Yoda finger puppet. The kids and their classmates ask Origami Yoda for advice, and he helps them. (If you haven’t read this series, do yourself a favor and add it to the top of your reading list. Max and I have read it twice. https://origamiyoda.com/)

As I sat there bemoaning my loss, Max came up to me with his homemade Origami Yoda on his finger. In his excellent Yoda voice, he said, “Dressy Jessie very important was. Other things important now are.”

I hugged Max and said, “That’s so true! Thank you.”

I spent the next several weeks wondering what Origami Yoda meant.

Eight weeks later I was diagnosed with ALS. Since then, I have tried not to be such a planner. Instead, I am trying to be more present-focused and to appreciate the love that surrounds me every day.

Other things definitely more important now are.

Page 2 of 2

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén