In the series finale of The Crown, the Duke of Edinburgh is gleefully planning his own funeral. Since I planned my funeral a couple of years ago, I related to his glee. My funeral will have none of the pageantry that was in the Duke’s funeral, thank goodness, but there is something very gratifying about taking care of this final act and sparing my loved ones from the decision making and the expense during their grief.
When my friend Roberta was planning her mother’s memorial service, and struggling with her siblings to agree on the time and place, I told her that I had already planned my funeral. She said, “I love that idea!” And with that Roberta and her husband got started planning their memorial services.
I’m sure that I would not have planned my funeral in mid life if I didn’t have a terminal illness. It’s just like making a will. Few people do it before they reach their golden years. But as my friend Lisa Booth, a stage four cancer survivor, said when I asked her for advice about telling my kids that I have a terminal illness, “all we really have is today.” Every time I hear about a fatal car accident or a mass shooting, I hear her words.
While the Duke was enthusiastic about planning his funeral, Queen Elizabeth felt the opposite about planning hers. She told the Duke to stop talking about it because, “it’s too sad.” I don’t know if that feeling is what stops more people from doing estate planning, but I would argue that for those of us who are not royalty, failing to do so will be much sadder for those you leave behind.
I recommend the site Get Your Shit Together – for advice on what to gather in the event of your death to make it as easy as possible for your loved ones.The woman who created the website, her husband died in a bicycle accident and had not prepared for this eventually. She‘s a reluctant expert.
Blessings.
Leanne
I am so happy to hear from you. Thanks for the reminder. I have been meaning to do this for some time. I hope you are doing well.
Julia Chase
Dearest Jessie,
Thank you for the beautiful reminder that “all we really have is today!” Your inspiration continues to motivate me. I am so impressed that you have spent your precious time and energy to, yet again, help us. Thank you!
I was surprized when you said you had planned your own funeral after I told you about my family’s differences in planning my Mom’s memorial service last summer. But it makes such good sense! I started to plan mine, but I procrastinated and put the file in the drawer. I really am going to get it out and finish it, and encourage Joe too. I know he has definate Rock songs he wants played at his memorial, and he plans to give away art and poetry books to everyone who attends! 🙂
We have our wills done, but there are other matters we need to clarify. Will refer to “Get Your Shit Together!”
Thank you again for sharing your compassion, your energy and most of all, your deep wisdom.
With love,
Julia
PS We just got home today. Let’s plan a visit this week!
Joseph Aprile
Jessie – I really appreciate your directness and clear mindedness in this regard. Here, I speak for myself – It is extraordinary to be able to experience life as a sentient being. It is a magnificent journey. In my stage of life, I realize that the time allotted to me in regard to the future is much more limited than the time that has past. None of us know anything about what life will bring even moments from now. There are no guarantees. This is as it should be.
It is what I refer to as the Dance of the Generations. Death may be an uninvited guest but it will come to visit nonetheless. I believe it is important to be aware of this dance with eyes wide-open.
Thank you for having the courage and foresight to deal with this reality head on.
Jennifer Love
Dear Jess,
Thank you for your thoughtful, example-filled, and wittily titled post. I agree that it’s important to try to spare our loved ones the hardship of making important decisions that involve us when we are no longer around to assist them.
I love how the examples in your essay are drawn not only from a television series, but also from real life: things your friends–and you–have said and done. Roberta sounds energetic and proactive, and Lisa sounds very wise.
Thank you again for your insights, Jess! I look forward to talking with you soon.
Warm wishes and much love,
Jenny