by Barry Lasky on 6/26/26
The weird part is that I actually had the opportunity to share a draft of this with Jess. She was busy one evening working on her funeral arrangements and I told her, “Honestly, I don’t know if you want to know this or not but I started working on a eulogy for you.” She said, “I want to hear it now”. I double checked, “Are you sure?”. And she responded, “Barry, I’m an extrovert. You don’t think I want to know all the fabulous things you’re going to say about me?”
So oddly enough, the following is Jessie approved…
When Jess and I first met, when we first starting dating, we divided our time into two broad categories…”Plan A” and “Plan B”. Plan B was everything you might expect. Going out to dinner or to see a movie or some live music. Plan B was being out and about in public having fun and getting to know one another.
Plan A was time alone together, just enjoying each other’s company. As Rabbi Aaron (Meyer) and Rabbi Rachel (Nussbaum) said when they officiated at our wedding, it was obvious to us and obvious to many folks around us that Jessie and I had very much found in each other “our person”. And so Plan A was the plan more often than not. Our preferred plan was just to be together, just to spend time with our person.
Well, we soon realized we had to add a third category. Often we would be out and about in public but sharing our respective Jewish communities with one another. Whether it was Kabbalat Shabbat at Temple De Hirsch Sinai on a Friday night (…Jessie’s favorite), or a Shabbat Morning Minyan at Kavana (…my favorite), or a Shabbat dinner or Passover Seder at one of your homes…these times felt neither Plan A nor Plan B, they were both public and personal. Jewish community is like that, it’s both public and private at the same time, it’s a liminal space, an in between space. So this became Plan Bet, named for the Hebrew letter B.
And so we carried on with Plan A, Plan B, and Plan Bet, mixing and matching them to suit the moment. And we carried on like that into our relationship and then into our marriage.
Plan B was the first to suffer when Jess’s mobility started to decline. We still went out and did stuff, of course. But with all the extra time and effort involved it was a matter of picking and choosing our battles. It was hard to justify a big outing when we could just as easily cook a meal or stream a movie at home without the accessibility challenges. Or better yet, snuggle up and read a good book aloud together.
Then the pandemic hit and all the movie theaters and all the restaurants closed anyway. Plan B was pretty much done. And the Temples closed down as well. Both De Hirsch and Kavana pivoted and went online as fast as they could. That was much appreciated and we definitely tuned in and tried to make the best of it. But it wasn’t really the same, of course.
Now, I have to say that the pandemic years were difficult. Not just for the loss of Plan B and Plan Bet. We experienced all the stress and anxiety and isolation that everyone experienced. And we had to layer on top of that Jess’s declining health and increasing care needs and deal with all of that in the context of a quarantine. It was hard.
But I also have to say, it was awesome. It was Plan A all the time! Jess and I did nothing but spend time with each other. And much more time than we would have or could have if we had not gone into quarantine. It was hard but it was also all kinds of wonderful.
So in situations like this with a long, fatal illness people often say they want to remember their loved one “…as she was…before all of this happened”. And I get it. I will. I will always remember Jess out and about around town with all her abilities.
I will always remember Jess ice skating, that freedom of movement which she loved. I will always remember Jess dancing (…not because she was a great dancer, but because of how she decided that she wanted to be the kind of person who enjoyed dancing and then proceeded to read and understand and evaluate and re-evaluate and teach herself how to dance). I will always remember Jess in the classroom, teaching, which she lived for. And I will always remember her amazing smile.
And I wouldn’t wish ALS on any family. It’s truly horrible. However, there’s plenty from this time that I do want to remember. I want to remember Jess showing up every day with courage and grace and humor, and as much acceptance as she could muster. I want to remember her constantly figuring out what she could do, even as more and more was receding just beyond her grasp.
In the Torah there’s a word/phrase, hineini (הִנֵּנִי). It’s usually translated as “Here I am!” But it’s not just “I’m here” in the sense of location. It carries with it more of a sense of place and time and presence. I’m here and now…in this moment.
Most famously, G-d calls to Abraham at the start of the Akedah, the story of the Binding of Isaac, and Abraham responds hineini, “Here I Am”. Moses also responds with hineini as G-d calls to him in the form of the Burning Bush. It’s often used like this at the start of a pivotal narrative when the speaker doesn’t know what’s happening or what will be asked of them. They simply respond “Here I am!”. The speaker is responding to the moment with presence and genuine awareness, more than anything.
Hineini appears two more times in the Akedah. Abraham also responds with hineini when Isaac calls out to him, his father, in confusion. And Abraham responds with hineini again at the climax of the story when an Angel appears and commands him to spare his son’s life.
So hineini is not just used at the start of a story, but also as things are shifting and changing, at critical inflection points. The speaker responds hineini to pause and gather themselves and return to the moment, to understand how things have changed and how they may need to change in response.
Despite her illness and decline, despite loss after loss, despite her fear and sadness, despite all of it, Jessie really embodied hineini over and over again these past few years. She kept showing up day after day no matter what. She kept saying “Here I am. What’s going on? What can I still do?”
Above all, I think that’s what I want to remember. That was the heart of Plan A all along, abiding in each other’s presence to see what we could accomplish. That was my person.
When I shared this with Jess I told her she was not allowed to go full teacher/editor on me. Luckily, she loved it pretty much as is. She said it was very barry. But she did want to add a brief addendum. It’s a sentiment paraphrased from her all time favorite television show, The West Wing.
Jessie wanted to thank you all for coming today. And for making this a real celebration of her life. She’s genuinely sad she couldn’t be here with you today. After all, she only missed it by a few days.
Zichronah l’vrachah / May her memory be for a blessing
זיכרונה לברכה